One of my guilty pleasures is watching Lifetime's made-for-TV movies.  I know, I know. They're dumb, but come on.  On a rainy afternoon with nothing else to do, how can you not get sucked into watching them?  I love their over-the-top titles, their predictable plots, and the surprise of seeing once-popular actors now relegated to performing in this genre.

First, the titles.  The following list contains actual made-for Lifetime TV movie titles that appeared or were promoted just this week.  With titles like these, what's not to love? 

   Baby for Sale 
   Deadly Vows 
   Lies My Mother Told Me
   Deadly Deception
   A Time Of Hope
   She's Too Young
   Sleeping with the Devil

Baby for Sale?  I mean, that is so all-kinds-of-wrong that who doesn't need to know what is going on there?  And She's Too Young? We-eell, too young for what? I need to know!  Sleeping with the Devil?  Could I, too be sleeping with the Devil? I'd better watch and find out!

And the plots!  They're silly, they're predictable, and they're stupid.  So I love them.  You can always figure out the entire story within the first five minutes of the movie, and the plots are almost always "based on a true story" -- yes, Lifetime lies to me, but like one of her bad husbands, I believe her, and I can't resist watching.

How can you figure out the plot?  It's easy. Once you've identified the main characters, you simply apply one of the formulas listed below:    

If the main characters are a husband and wife the husband is always bad (nay, evil), the wife is always good (nay, angelic) and the plot will outline the wife's struggle to continue to be good, good, good for the sake of saving the marriage, while the husband continues to be bad, bad, bad because he is the spawn of Satan.  Through a series of her flashbacks we learn that he was not always so black-hearted; that in fact he was once charming but once the 'I do's' were said his pupils turned red and he began his campaign of evil-doing for reasons viewers will never learn and don't generally care about.  Various manifestations of good vs. evil ensue in between commercial breaks for 2 hours, until she is either forced to kill him in self-defense or until he is finally prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.  And we are glad, glad, glad that good has prevailed over evil.  The last scene occurs in the courtroom, or on the courtroom steps as she gives a tearful but strong statement to the media. In most cases, her best friend stands by her side. 

If the main character is a single, childless woman then she is a kind-hearted, cheerful, good citizen who works for pennies at a puppy adoption center and she will be either assaulted or marked for stalking within the first 15 minutes of the movie. The rest of the movie will chronicle her struggle for justice against a misogynistic and/or paternalistic legal system.  The townspeople will turn against her. At the end of the movie the perpetrator will be in jail and she will either end up working at a battered women's shelter (with the adopted puppies, because they will be the catalysts that help heal the women at the shelter) OR she will have single-handedly instigated some important preventative legislation.  The townspeople will welcome her back into their social circles.  In many cases, she finds true love with her attorney who always admired her moxie, but it's more likely that she will find true love with a down-to-earth, blue-collar character such as her organic farmer neighbor or with the police officer who investigated the case.

If the story is about a single woman with one or more children then one of the children will either have a debilitating disease requiring crutches, agonizingly long hospital stays and/or a plastic bubble, OR they will struggle with One Of The Vices such as drug addition, alcoholism, prostitution, or gambling.  Sometimes the woman herself is a Vice-Ridden woman with handicapped and/or terminally ill child/children.  In any case the story will chronicle the woman's struggle to achieve wellness for her child/children, and in the process she gains critical self-insight by being forced to explore her own troubled past.  The final, back-to-normal scene occurs over a kitchen table at dinner, or at Christmas.  Uplifting piano music will play during the closing credits.

And the actors.  Ah, yes, the actors.  Just when you thought you'd seen the last of Tracy Gold, Meredith Baxter-Birney, Tim Mattheson, John Ritter, Richard Thomas, even Tracy Lords...   A Lifetime made-for-TV movie is one of the rungs you hit on the way down, after a stint in Branson, Mo. but before you're brought up on real-life charges for drug trafficking or indecent assault with a minor.

My most favorite Lifetime TV movie is called Frequent Flyer.  I've probably seen it about 5 times over the past few years.  (My mom likes this one, too.)  The fact that it is on right now is what inspired me to write this post.  In this based-on-a-true-story movie, Jack Wagner (yes, the 1980's singer of All I Need, thanks SuzanH) plays an airline pilot who juggles 3 angelic wives.  One of the wives discovers his polygamous secret, and most of the movie documents her orchestration of the crescendo scene, wherein after she has closed his bank accounts and sold his convertible, all three of them confront him at the same time.  Lots of face-slapping and admonitions ensue, they all divorce him at once, and we are glad, glad, glad that good has prevailed once again.  The rolling credits report that the man is still a pilot today, and that he currently has only one wife ("...or so he says").    

Look, it's not like I TiVo these movies (we don't even have TiVo), and it's not like I plan to watch these movies ahead of time.  And it's not like I don't try to read all the Booker Prize literary award books.  It's not like we don't see a ton of original theatre and independent films.  Lifetime's made-for-TV movies are my guilty pleasure.  And I'm not giving it up.

The dish is called Blackened Salmon.  I made it on purpose, but clearly my new oven is not sophisticated enough to grasp the underlying culinary concept in the term "blackened".

I just have one question about Blackened Salmon: why, for the love of God almighty, is the smoke alarm system in our house SO DAMN LOUD?  I'm telling you, it's abusively loud; it's approximately the same decibel level of a WWII air raid siren.  Seriously, why was this alarm system built with the assumption that the general public is deaf?

Oh, don't answer me really. I know why.

It is so loud because obviously our house hates me and wants to embarrass me in front of the neighbors.  And it hates Fab Husband too, since he had a headache and was fast asleep at the time the siren began to wail. 

Our smoke alarm system is not one of those benign, 9-volt battery systems, either, but I did not know this until I dragged (drug?) the footstool over to the screeching alarm and yanked its little hat-thinger from the ceiling in a frantic attempt to permanently cork it's screaming buzz-hole. 

But did I see the 9-volt, Duracell battery, sleeping in its little battery nest, a-ripe for the pluckin'?

No.

No, I did not.

Instead of a battery, when I removed the alarm cover I was instead assaulted by a pile of red and black WIRES that came tumbling out of the system from within the ceiling, like the guts of a damaged airplane. 

In the meantime the alarm, which is squealing SO DAMN LOUDLY that is is probably causing our unborn child to leap under her little wooden desk for cover in-utero, is attracting the attention of our very nice & normal neighbors and there I am standing in the front hallway on the footstool, with tears in my eyes, multi-colored nest of wires in my hands, barefoot and enormous with dinner BLACKENING (not burning) and smoke pouring out of the cracks of the oven yelling up to Fab Husband and to my neighbors with tears in my eyes, "I can't make it stop! I can't make it stop!".

And that is when my Fabulous, engineer husband came flying down the stairs in his superhero cape (a green plaid bathrobe with the household alias "The Turtle Suit"), grabbed the wires, did something engineery with them and ultimately Silenced the Alarm. For. Good.

And now?

Now I am sitting on the couch looking at the hole in the ceiling with wires hanging out and I am laughing and laughing at the impotent smoke alarm that once mocked my superior cooking skills.

Ha.

I'm an avid reader, and what I'm reading about these days is pregnancy and birth.  

I would like to share with you, fellow readers, a collection of some of my most favorite educational illustrations as featured in said pregnancy and birth books.

I trust that you will find them to be as useful as I have in preparing oneself for labor, childbirth, and motherhood. 

To get the full, detailed effect of each illustration, you may need to maximize the browser window size of the window after you click each link. Enjoy.