Figure 1:  Your unborn child is just as startled as you are to learn that she's gestating in a big, fleshy lightbulb.

Figure 2: Obviously, the closest simulation of delivery is achieved with your girlfriend and a grapefruit. 

Figure 2a. Actually, screw your girlfriend. She talks behind your back anyway. Pass the grapefruit yourself. (And don't let her hold it later, either.)

Figure 3:  The old farmhand trick of sitting on a bucket actually does relieve labor pain while still allowing you a comfortable position from which to continue milking the family cow. It also conveniently catches any of the various fruits you may release from your womb.

Figure 4: To maintain an fulfilling sex life during pregnancy, find a partner who resembles the composite sketch of an armed robber, lay on your side, and close your eyes until he is positively ID'd and arrested. 

Figure 5: Bringing new meaning to the term "in your face", this image prepares you for the magic of birth by illustrating exactly what your delivering doctor would see if she awaited your baby's arrival standing between your legs wearing X-Ray goggles.

Figure 6: Despite the caption, it's clear that "over stimulation" is not this baby's most pressing issue.  His parents are.

Figure 7:  Now, I have never given birth but I'm pretty damn sure that this suggestion for relaxing during labor falls into an advice file we'll label "General Jack-assery".

Figure 8: Well now I feel much more prepared for childbirth.  And thank God it's healthy.

Believe me, there are plenty more where those came from.

Co-worker:  I hear you. I bought a pregnant yoga DVD.

Me: Oh yeah? How is it?

Co-worker: It's pretty good. 

Me: Is it hard?

Co-worker: No, it was easy.  I just sort of popped it in the DVD player, made myself a bowl of popcorn, and watched it thinking to myself: Hmmm.  Yeah.  I should be doing that...